Infidelity — What Went Wrong?
“It’s a sad fact of American life today that close to 1 in 4 couples will be affected by unfaithfulness,” says clinical social worker Barbara Johnson of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. About a third of those marriages will end up in divorce unless the underlying issues are worked out.
Infidelity often occurs in stages, Johnson says. A co-worker or friend becomes a confidant, often before there’s any physical contact. Once the physical rush kicks in, it’s hard to break that connection without a strong commitment to the marriage.
“No one is immune to infidelity,” says Johnson’s colleague, clinical social worker Rick Drabic. “It can happen in any marriage if the circumstances are right.” Long hours working away from home, job travel and Internet access to potential partners make infidelity easier than ever, he says.
Whether or not there is sexual contact, when a partner’s time, energy or emotion transfers to someone else, it feels like a betrayal to the marriage, Drabic says. “The pain and the real damage come from that feeling of betrayal.”
A marriage is more at risk under one or both of these circumstances:
Infidelity often occurs in stages, Johnson says. A co-worker or friend becomes a confidant, often before there’s any physical contact. Once the physical rush kicks in, it’s hard to break that connection without a strong commitment to the marriage.
“No one is immune to infidelity,” says Johnson’s colleague, clinical social worker Rick Drabic. “It can happen in any marriage if the circumstances are right.” Long hours working away from home, job travel and Internet access to potential partners make infidelity easier than ever, he says.
Whether or not there is sexual contact, when a partner’s time, energy or emotion transfers to someone else, it feels like a betrayal to the marriage, Drabic says. “The pain and the real damage come from that feeling of betrayal.”
A marriage is more at risk under one or both of these circumstances:
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The relationship isn’t working well.The couple has grown apart (not spending time together, not communicating well) or touchy issues have built up without resolution. In this case, couples therapy may be very helpful.
- One partner (or both) has personal issues.For example, the person is going through a tough life transition or needs to develop a stronger sense of self. “And some people have difficulty with marriage because of their own psychological problems, some of which may trace back to childhood. In this case, the troubled person might benefit from individual therapy.
The healing process takes time and effort for both partners. The straying partner needs to verify the affair is over, recommit to the marriage and start to make amends. Both need to reach an understanding of what was missing in the marriage that led to the affair. Then begins the challenging task of rebuilding trust and intimacy.
It’s very difficult to heal a relationship after an affair without help from a neutral third party—a professional who specializes in marriage counseling. “If a couple were able to deal with these matters easily on their own, they would have done it already,” Johnson says. “They may fear that the conversation will be painful. It will be—but not nearly as painful as breaking up.”
Want to Know More about healing a marriage? Click here for helpful guidelines and a reading list.
This page last updated 2/12/08 04:08 PM
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